Gen, Dongwoo-centric, slight mention of Dongwoo/Hoya
Beginning: all the earlier entries are omitted.
November 22, 2013
The world is really ending now. Had things stayed the way they were a year ago we would be celebrating my birthday, but now, there is no point of doing so. Happy birthday to me, though ^^. I wish I have the others to share this happiness with me, but at least here I have mom and dad and little big sis. I wonder what big big sis is doing, though. I haven't heard of her since July, but I suppose she's in good hands. Her husband is really handsome and kind, I really like him ^^.
It has been cold in Seoul for days. It might sound ordinary, since November is winter in Seoul, in normal Seoul, too, but this is a different kind of cold. It's an empty, hollow kind of cold. The kind you imagine death would be, but worse. The cold when someone who used to love you doesn't anymore. It's chilling, and I mean it in every possible meaning of the word.
Sunggyu hyung came this morning with a packet of freshly picked tea leaves. He's been kind of sweet, Sunggyu-hyung. He told me he walked all the way from his family residence to my place just so he can say happy birthday. I'm flattered. This is a severe understatement. I'm overjoyed! I miss Sunggyu-hyung so much. When Sunggyu-hyung had his last birthday I bought him a tee shirt, but now a pack of tea is worth more than anything I could've bought him back then. He told me how he was doing (just fine), and that I was the first member he visited since the countdown started. On Sungjong's birthday, everything was still normal and we were still together as Infinite.
Sadly, even the world itself is not infinite. Time, for all we knew, is finite, and the clock is ticking.
Sunggyu-hyung left today. He didn't leave any promises. I told him to say hi for the others for me. He said he'll miss me a lot.
Snow is not as fun as it was anymore. Now the flakes cut. I suppose it gets really grim at times, but at least the view is still beautiful.
Sometimes, when I feel lonely I pretend we're still together. It's easy to make make-believe conversations in your head, but it really hits you when you can't feel them in person, you can't touch them, you can't look them in the eyes.
I miss Hoya the most. He's so far away, and I have no means of contacting him whatsoever. We all have no means of contacting anyone ever again, ever. I wonder how he's doing. His brother must be in high school now, but nobody goes to school anymore. Sometimes when I pretend I'm conversing with Hoya I brought up the promises we made back then, way before we were Infinite.
And then, it got too sad, and I miss him so much, I stop right then and there.
Right now I miss Myungsoo and Sungjong. They were always good with snow.
This diary used to be filled with little unimportant things about my day. What I ate, our schedules, what I think of the weather. I never felt the need to write out my feelings as detail as I can in paper, not because I'm afraid people might read them, but because I have people who will listen, back then. It was just making sense now. Now that I hardly find my daily routine interesting and nobody to converse with, this diary overflows with feelings of the past. Oh, the melancholia. Jang Dongwoo, the most sentimental man on earth. Jang Sentimental Dongwoo. Jang Misses His Band Dongwoo.
It's getting really out of hand, how lonely I felt these days. Little big sis is still here, mom is still here, and dad is still here, but my heart longed for more people in the house.
I'm writing this, just in case:
Dear Sunggyu-hyung, I have said this many times, but it never felt enough. Thank you for being our leader. Thank you for accepting me as Jang Dongwoo, and for helping me shape the Jang Dongwoo I am proud of. This part I never told you, but when I have children, I want at least one of them to grow up like you. Honest, sincere, and noble, and so incredibly loyal. I've always liked that about you. Oh, and hyung, I'm so sorry for that one night I was eavesdropping on you when you were talking to Hoya after we fought. I did resolve the fight quickly, didn't I? I'm really flattered by your concern, not only to me but to the group, and it shows the depth of your devotion. The trust you put in us. I'm not going to forget it.
Dear Sungjongie, how have you been? This is a rhetorical question, but I genuinely want to know. Sungjongie, I know you are strong since I met you. I know you are kind, and tough, and that your will is as strong as steel. Why Hoya liked you so much, probably. Sungjongie, please continue to be kind and polite and strong wherever you are, okay? I've always wanted to be as strong as you, because I fell down and cry so easily, unlike you, Sungjongie. If I've never saw you cry I would've thought you're unbreakable. Stay true to yourself forever, Sungjongie. Hyung loves you, and I know you know that.
Ah. I don't have much to say to the others. Myungsoo, Sungyeol, Woohyun, I miss you guys. Hoya, I miss you even more. I wish I could keep the promises I made with you guys. Going to amusement parks with Myungsoo. Watching horror movies with Woohyun. Going to concerts with Hoya. Going food-tasting and restaurant-hopping with Sungyeol. I still remember all the casual promises we made when we thought that time is available in unlimited time, when we didn't know about the end and that it is near.
For Hoya, I'm sorry for the heartache, for the moments I spent pretending I'm not in love with you. I should've told you long ago, but I'm too content with the status quo, I get carried away. I should let you know for the last time that I really, really hope you would kiss me for real, that night. I miss you.
a/n: this is supposedly an apocalypse au in which dongwoo has only a few things left unsaid. heh :|